Wait! What? That's HER?!?

Infidelity is a curious and careless thing; adultery is a selfish choice that shakes families to their core. What drives one spouse to betray the other? What causes someone to consciously break a vow they took before God? I guess it's probably different in different situations but it is nonetheless destructive and cruel in every situation.

In my experience, infidelity is caused by the blatant disregard and depersonalization of a partner. Thoughts about my spouse's affair consumed hours of my day and made me question my own value. How could someone who professed to love me deceive me in the most intimate way? What was so wrong with me that he looked outside of our marriage bed for an intense sexual and emotional connection? Yeah, I had gained a few pounds since we met and I occasionally stayed in my PJs all day... But was that enough to drive him away?

In one word- NO.

It took me hours of therapy and countless hours on my knees to realize that his affair had NOTHING to do with me. His affair had everything to do with HIM. Ironically, his affair (which in his case began with emotional infidelity) didn't even have anything to do with HER! I remember the first time my friend and I saw her picture online. Our upper lips curled and our noses wrinkled. Wait, what? That's her?!? Well, OK then....my worst nightmare had been extinguished (at least for a moment). While 13 years younger than my ex, she was actually really unattractive! In my mind I had pictured a gorgeous, slender woman with batting eyelashes and red, succulent lips. I couldn't have been more wrong. So....What. The. Heck?!?

A friend of mine (with a degree in psychology) who knew my ex, asked me a few days later if I had ever heard of NPD- Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She said that many times infidelity and narcissism go hand in hand. I remember dropping that word every once in awhile with him when we were fighting, but never really knew what it meant or the degree to which it had impacted my life. My friend encouraged me to research it and see if anything "fit."

Oh. My. Gosh. Gaslighting, verbal abuse, CONSTANT antagonism, inability to accept responsibility, easily enraged, addictions, sense of entitlement, disregard for rules/boundaries/laws, etc. The list went on and on and so did my reading. I then came upon something called Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome (NAS). Really? There's a name for what I feel? Despite being the middle of the night I couldn't stop reading. This was ME!! In the midst of the worst I honestly thought I was going crazy. I remember sitting on my bathroom floor thinking I was going totally nuts- I questioned reality- I questioned my sanity! THIS is the number one symptom of NAS. Other symptoms I lived with included feeling worthless and abandoned- he would sleep on the couch and literally not engage with our family outside of watching TV. I constantly made excuses for his behavior- he would break things that people lent us and even steal. I would spend hours trying to make him happy or not do what would make me happy- after crashing his car through a building (due to non-prescribed drugs in his system), we bought a van he wasn't happy with. The day we brought it home he swore at me, berated me, and told me how selfish I was because we didn't buy the vehicle he wanted. The list and examples went on and on. The ebs-and-flows of his addictions, infidelity, physical and emotional abandonment. My kids and I lived it all.

The good news that I'm learning now is that there is recovery. It's hard and it hurts (like crazy sometimes), but it does heal. I have good days (like today) but I also have bad days (like last Saturday). The silver lining of all this? God has brought AMAZING people into my life that support me (and my kids), love me (and my kids), and are there for me (and my kids!). Did I mention that they are AMAZING??

Right now, today, I can say that my kids and I are SO. Much. Better. without him in our lives. Unlike many others experiencing NAS, God removed my ex from our lives completely for a period of time. (Oh, and did I say that He put AMAZING people in our lives?!?) The key to NAS recovery is complete and total separation from the narcissistic abuser. Complete. Total. Separation. NO CONTACT. Narcissistic abusers are stealthy manipulators. They prey on your weakness and your love for them. I am an enabler. I want to help people- ironically I want to help my ex. Right now, though, the ONLY thing I can do to help him is to pray for him.

People tell me that narcissists who struggle with addiction have a very small chance of recovery for lots of reasons. BUT....there is something I know. God is bigger than narcissism and God is bigger than addiction. So, while there is no chance of reconciliation between my ex and me, there can be complete and total healing for him and me. After all, my kids deserve their dad.