A follower of mine asked me to share my writing from some of my most difficult times. She wanted assurance that healing CAN happen. So for her, I share the following from the darkest parts of my journey.

Romantic Terrorism

My love affair with Evil

F*c& You I Loved You

I sat down to write this and stared blankly at a flashing cursor. “Work smarter not harder” is what you always said. In obedience to your commands that I learned to oblige impetuously, I comply. Below is a revised compilation, an edited anthology, of letters and blog snippets written by ex-wives, psychologists and self-proclaimed narcissists, namely HG Tudor. This made my job of writing to you oh so much easier. Of course, I decided to personalize certain segments making them more authentic and applicable in my communiqué. You always said it was a good thing I didn’t live in at 17th century because my independent nature and willingness to speak my mind would have gotten me stoned to death. The funny things is, my dear, you made me strong. Strong willed, strong spirited and fiercely determined. Years of your deafening silent treatments, lily-livered abuse and apathetic interest in me made me the woman I am today. Strong. Independent. Fearless. So, f*c& you. I loved you.

Thanatos Incarnate

On June 26, 1993, I met Thanatos incarnate. Anthropomorphic Evil.

Evil, adj, is defined as “profoundly immoral and malevolent” (Dictionary.com, 2018).

Immoral. Check. Malevolent. Check.

How did your high school peers know that your nickname would define your personality?

Evil.

False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil. -Socrates

Truly evil people don’t just hurt others. They take pride in the pain they cause and then try to blame their victims. -Anonymous

A Love Letter From Thanatos

Dear Soulmate,

You are the air I breathe. The very breath I take. You are my end game. My sacrificial lamb.

You will bleed for me. Die for me. Defend me to no end. You are chained to me and I to you.

Not only do I cause you to soar to the heights, I also take you to the extreme depths. I freeze you out. I lambast you with acidic words. I take it away and send you tumbling towards rock bottom. Down, downwards I will cast you. I don’t just want you to cry, I want you to wail and scream. I don’t want you irritated by my behavior, I want you to be angry, blow a gasket, and be beside yourself with annoyance.

I do not want you to be sad, I want you to be desolate. I do not want you to be unhappy, I want you to be mired in misery. High or low, it does not matter as long as it is not in the middle (HG Tudor, Knowing the Narcissist).

You are everything I want. You are everything I desire. You are my fuel, my muse, my source of life.

You are a Love Devotee. You want to find love, experience love, love and be loved. The idea of love is central to your existence and you truly believe that our purpose on this earth is to love others. Not only does this mean loving those around but above all else you believe in the fulfilment that arises from having that one special person who you are committed to, who you will do anything for and who you will make sacrifices for. The existence of love is a reason, to you to exist and therefore you must find it and once located, obtain it and maintain it. I want a love devotee because your dedication to love often blinds you to so much else and accordingly by pretending to give you love we can hook into this trait of yours and it allows us to ensnare you all the more readily.

You are Compassionate. Your compassion must be mainly for us although we are content for it to be exhibited for other people and objects such as animals, in order to detect it. At an early juncture, if I see evidence of compassion for animals it generally follows that this person will be compassionate towards humans, mainly me, as well.

You are Decent. I desire people who are well-mannered, polite and understanding. People who have consideration for others, wait their turn in speaking, allow others to take a slice of cake before anyone else, give to charity and conduct themselves in a highly dignified manner (your dignity makes me look good, too!). Decency is an attractive trait because it tells me that you will adhere to certain standards and that you also expect me to do the same. This matters because I know that this is often indicative of the fact that you are therefore unlikely to give up on us when the going gets rough.

You have a strong Moral Compass. I lust for those with a strong moral compass, somebody who would hand a wallet to the police with the contents intact if they found such an item in the street. You will be monogamous and faithful and you believe others should conduct themselves by a similar moral code. Again, this tells me that you are far more likely to hang in there once my devaluation starts. My behavior will offend your moral compass so there will be the accompanying emotional reaction and thus copious fuel.

You are Caring. Whether it is through working hard to provide for me, running the home in an excellent manner, looking after me when I am sick and being concerned about my general well-being, the caring trait is very important. It tells me that I can expect considerable residual benefits from you (and your loving family) in terms of you looking after me (and my family), which accords with my view of how you should be- subservient and obedient.

(adapted from HG Tudor, Knowing the Narcissist)

Stop Expecting

You think you had ‘em all fooled, don’t you?

You charmed our church on Sundays with your brightened smile. You shook hands with other church members and pastors, acted as a youth leader, prayer warrior, and charismatic worshipper. You closed your eyes and raised your felonious, adulterous hands to the Lord.

What a farce! What a fake! What a fabricator! You forget that you CANNOT fool God, who knows all about your duplicity, your lies and your masks! I will NEVER FORGET that demonic stare, that narcissistic rage, that irascible fury! You were an abusive excuse for a man, husband and father! I thank God every day that I gathered the strength and the courage to escape from you.

I fell completely head over heels in love with you in such a short time because you “rescued” me and made me feel “safe.” It was so easy for me to love you because you were only the second long term boyfriend whom I adored at seventeen! You succeeded in you quest to steal my heart with no intention of ever loving me the way that I deserved. I never knew what a monster you were, and still are. I only found out about what you truly were after more than twenty years of hell on earth.

Unfortunately, I have come to realize that you, along with others like you, truly want only 4 things from their “victims” (don’t be confused by my indiscriminate use of this word; I, am no victim, I am a survivor!)

You wanted my fuel, and damnit you got it! You wanted my positive fuel; the joy, the adoration, the love, the passion and the praise (oh, and my family's money). You wanted my negative fuel; the hatred, the anger, the tears and the fear.
You wanted to engulf me, and boy did you ever! You wanted to suck me into your world and into your false reality.
You wanted to be the one (the only one), and you were. As HG Tudor said, “I want to be the one that you think of all of the time. I want to be the person that you orbit around, your sun, your center of the universe. I want to be the one that is recognized for my greatness, for my brilliance and my achievements. I do not care that I have exaggerated them or stolen them from others like my children. I do not care that I have stripped away facets of their character to add to my own. I have no care for that! All I care is that I am the one towards whom heads turn when I enter a room. I am the one who is applauded. I want to be the one who leads, conquers and smites. The destroyer of worlds, the creator of new ones, a god. I want to be the one whose power radiates from him so that is tangible to all those who look upon me. I want to be the one who shocks and awes. I want to be the one who does. I want to be the one who rules, who presides and who dictates. I want to be the one you rely on, turn to and devote yourself too.” (HG Tudor, Knowing the Narcissist)
You wanted my essence. You wanted to suck the life right out of me. You knew that I am a better person than you. You knew that I was real, genuine and empathetic. You prayed on that. You used my humanitarianism to destroy me and discredit me. Wait, no, you wished to use my humanitarianism to destroy me and discredit me. The only thing you succeeded in though is falling victim to your own foul fortune.

(adapted from HG Tudor, Knowing the Narcissist)

BTW Thanatos...

I wanted help for our marriage, never really knowing the beast that lived inside of you. Caregivers were ignorant to your schemes and provided their useless advice when applied to your kind. All that followed was further misery for the kids and me.

“Try to find things in common again.” Ha, remember that one?!? This “presupposes that there was anything in common to begin with. There was not.” What I thought was a magnificent alignment of common interests was the effect of the mirroring that you narcissists engage in. You showed me you what I wanted so I would fall in love with it. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. (HG Tudor, Knowing the Narcissist)

By the way, your affairs were predictable, cyclical and non momentous. Your current, unsuspecting girlfriend has no idea what she is in for at the hands of her predictable, narcissistic partner! I’m trying to feel a bit of empathy for her pathetic, unsuspecting predicament, but it’s hard. Truth be known, I’m laughing a little. You may want to share this with her so she has a fighting change to unsnare herself from your devious claws. So, let me break it down to you both.

Here’s what HG Tudor says (bolded): (By the way, Tudor is a well known narcissist; I suggest you read some of his works- they’re really quite astonishing.)

First, at the outset (beginning) of the ensnarement (affair), it is highly likely that we (you) were already in a romantic relationship with somebody. Yep. You sure were. Married for over 15 years, 3 beautiful children, blah, blah, blah...

This next one's my favorite because I can totally picture it!

2. During your new relationship’s ‘golden period,’ the ex (me) will be painted truly black. We will tell you how this person is a truly terrible person. The ex is the person spoken about the most, but other exes may well make an appearance too, especially if we want to portray ourselves as a superhero for enduring them.

The ex (again, insert me here) will attract one (or more) of the following labels:

Crazy Bitch – she is unpredictable and clearly cuckoo for coco pops.
Controlling Ogre – she never let me do anything. Always checking where I was, who I was with, what I had been doing; I felt like an tracking device had been placed on me! She always wanted to see my phone... (Nice try with the “I only have one phone” thing, Honey)
Jealous Lunatic – she was always accusing me of having affairs (gee, I wonder why!), seeing other women, flirting and being obsessed with the attention of others (OMG…!)
Violent Abuser – she would attack me (You sure did document a lot of false allegations!)
There are plenty more of labels which I am sure you can add. There are lots of reasons you live in this phase for a long time. I’ll just share a few (although I’m sure you’ll disagree):

Drawing sympathy from your victim over how you’ve been treated;
Appealing to their empathic traits to soothe us, help us and love us after this awful experience
Making us look like a good person to have tried to help the ex
To cause you to dislike the ex so that you will respond in a hostile manner should your paths cross with them (Ok, seriously tell her not to worry! She can have you!)

She, my dear is your flavor of the day. OK, maybe your flavor of the month or year. Whatever. It’s all relative in your time.

The following story, created by HG Tudor, illustrates how your seduction ensued.

“Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavor of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not?

You Hate Strawberries!

This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.” (HG Tudor, In the End It Has To Hurt)

Ok, next phase…. I’m sure you’re not quite here yet after your little vaca to Greece and all but, just saying, it’s comin’…. The flavor is losing its appeal!

Soon, you will start to devalue HER! (God help her poor little soul...) I will continue to be mentioned but now all of the slurs, smears and insults will have been wiped away. At this point because now I will be seen in a ‘white’ light compared to HER position in a ‘black’ light. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! You’ll finally realize that I was the absolute best thing that EVER happened to you!) Also….keep in mind, I’m not the researcher here. This comes from a host of psychologists, psychiatrists, self diagnosed narcissists and survivors of narcissistic abuse.

Accordingly, SHE will be compared and contrasted to ME on a daily basis! Poor girl! What a shadow to live under. You’ll refer to me in the following ways (again don’t blame me, Buddy! This is based on on research):

The Only One – She (I) was the only one who truly understood us and now I want her back;
The Super Sex God (OMG, this is too funny!)– she was dynamite between the sheets and I long for that excitement once again, compared to the damp squib I am now with;
Mom of the Year – she is so good with the children, far better than you;
Domestic Goddess – she had our home shining and tidy, great dinners on the table and she always (always might be a stretch) looked great. Look at you, you are a mess, you cannot cook and this house is a mess. What have I done?
Cash Queen – boy she worked hard, brought in good money and looked after me. What do you do? Nothing! At best you have a poorly paid job (compared to her).
The Saint – she would never have treated me like this, you conned me into going with you and luring me away from such a wonderful woman, I hate you for it. (HG Tudor, Knowing the Narcissist)

Calculated Disequilibrium

The cold, hard floor beneath my limp body attempted to ground me but the interminable chaos swirled within me like a feeding frenzy. I lay there a sweaty mess. It wasn’t the first time or even the second or third. I lay there for what seemed like the millionth time drenched in despair, pain and hopelessness. Like a lion stalks its prey, you calculated your every move with great precision and intentionality. My misery was your fuel.

You screamed at me. Called me a cunt, a nasty whore- what did I do to deserve that? I just asked why you were 2 hours late getting home from work. But how could I question you?

You squeezed and twisted my upper arm until I felt my muscles tear. You threw me out the door, choked me and shoved me to the ground as I tried to grab your pill bag.

You stomped on my feet because I was begging you to stay home with the children and me.

You relentlessly shoved the barrel of a shotgun into my bottom because you were being silly.

You aimed and fired a handgun at my head because I hid your other guns and you saw a squirrel on the roof.

You choked me and muttered “die bitch” as our two year old son sat on the bed watching cartoons.

How many times did you bite me? How many times did you choke me? I don’t know. I lost count.

The drunken stupors.

The rage. God, the rage.

After your outbursts, you would say:

“I was defending myself against you! You came after me!”

“You are being sensitive and overly dramatic.”

“I overreacted because we haven’t had sex in awhile. That was messed up.”

“I would never hurt you. But if I were to kill you, nobody would ever find your body (laughing).”

“Am I crazy?”

You heard my crying. You saw the purpled shadows of grief under my eyes. You felt my body tremble as you superfisciously held me and pledged your eternal faithfulness and undying love.

How could I doubt you?

Your eyes were pure, your hands held to the Lord! You pushed me to tithe in my disobedience. Your legalistic adherence to religion and accountability to the church leaders guaranteed your fidelity and reverence. I had no right to question you.

“This is a man of God! Accept him, trust him, submit to him!”

“The issue is with you, Honey. I would never hurt you. I’ll go to church with you so I can help you sort through this. I love you. When I accidentally hurt you (I don’t even remember doing it) it is because I was defending myself against your accusations and your abuse. Remember when you yelled at the kids and swore? I don’t want to have to reveal that to people you work with. You work with children after all. Wow. What would they think of you if I revealed all of my documentation? I have recordings on my phone, pictures of your abuse, written accounts of your tantrums. You will lose the kids, Honey. How will you explain that?” you asked.

“Have I turned into a monster who accuses my husband of such awful things? Forgive me, God. I must be crazy.”

Wake-up call.

It wasn’t me. It never was. It was you. It took awhile, a long while albeit, but the train stops here, Honey.

In my severely compromised state, stemming completely from your Narcissistic Abuse, I began to believe your lies and took on your altered state of reality.

But…

It wasn’t me. It never was. It was you. It took awhile, a long while albeit, but the train stops here, Honey.

No more asking, “Am I crazy?”

No more believing, “It’s my fault.”

No more telling myself, “There’s something wrong with me.”

No more tears.

No more excuses.

The game is done.

You lost.

I won.

And Then He Said

It’s interesting what prayer can do to change your outlook on Evil. Do I believe that Evil is real? Absolutely. I lived with it for many years. Do I believe that in Christ I have the power to overcome it? Absolutely. That is the assurance- the promise- that I live with but often forget. It’s so much easier to live in anger and vengeance. Weird because really, it’s draining. If I just clung to the blessed assurances that I have in Christ, my emotions wouldn’t be sucked dry. Literally sucked dry.

As I lay in bed last night reflecting on my day’s writing, that silent voice said commanded me (once again) to have compassion for you. Let’s be clear- compassion is waaaayyyy different than pity. I do not pity you, I do not feel sorry for you. You are reaping what you have sown. I do, however, feel compassion for you. Unlike you, I have the innate ability to feel for another living being. I can’t say it’s always a fun feeling. Honestly I’d much rather hate you than feel compassion for you. After the emotional, verbal and physical abuse you subjected us to over the years (most signfinciantly over the last 4 years), you don’t deserve compassion. But, guess what. Either do I. But...it’s a good thing that we don’t get what we deserve. I deserve Hell too. My sin is no less dirty than yours. The difference is, my assurance lies in Christ- not my works. My assurance of compassion and forgiveness lies in the promises of Christ and what He did on the cross.

In Romans 12:17-21, The LORD said “ Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.“

I will never take you back. I will never subject myself to your rage, deceit or mockery again. I will never trust your intentions, schemes or stories. I never wish to be in contact with you again.

But...I will never stop praying for you.