Joy Unfindable. Joy Unspeakable.


Masterclass in Doing it Wrong. Semester One.

Nobody has ever accused me of being a fast learner, either in school or in life. Early on, my teachers told my parents I had a gift for language (ha!), though they also quickly pointed out that I wasn’t exactly lighting the world on fire with reading or math. I have to read passages over and over until they make sense. I make the same mistakes over and over until I realize that something isn't working quite right. I hit the same closed doors over and over and wonder what I'm doing wrong. I believe the same lies about myself over and over. I trust the wrong people over and over. I look for joy in the wrong places over and over. And I am often left questioning what went wrong. Where did I go wrong yet again? 

I have been a Christian basically my entire life (although my walk has not always been steady). If you have read parts of my blog up until this post, you know my life has been anything but a fruitful example of a Christ-like walk with Jesus. While he doesn't promise a life void of problems, mine has had more than its share of struggles. 

After fleeing my horrific first marriage, I found my heart's desire in my current husband. Handsome, strong, and a police officer, he made me feel safe. I felt like a bird who had been set free from a cage- free to soar! I sought a sense of protection
and safety from his large, safe hands and heart; I felt safe with him. Finally free from
my previous abuser, a man who had broken every finger, choked me over and over, fired a gun toward my head, torn muscles in my shoulders, bitten me, abused my children, cheated on me, and the list goes on....I had finally found my physical protector.  A man who no longer forced me to have sex every night, but one with whom I wanted to give myself to freely and often. There was no safer place than in the bend of his arms, wrapped in the presence of someone I truly adored. He and I built a life together; we blended our children, got married, and had pretty much
everything I had ever wanted. I was wanted again! I was lovable again! I was whole!
A few years into our marriage, things started to change. Bitterness and resentment started to set in. I saw the love he poured over his children and the energy he poured into his job- a career in which he protected our community and rescued people from danger. The emotional distance and jealousy set in. He stopped caring, the physical and emotional intimacy diminished, and I resented that immensely. I began to feel invisible, like a background character in his video game or in a life we were supposed to be building together. The harder I tried to reconnect, the more obvious it became that the version of us I was fighting for no longer existed. It was heartbreaking realizing that my love alone wasn’t enough to fix what had unraveled. After crying and pleading with him to care, he just stopped. Stopped caring altogether. I was unlovable once again. I was invisible and alone again. Loneliness crept in quietly, and it always does, then completely overwhelmed me again (like always before- again, slow learner). In my journal, I began to write things like "Do you see me? I'm here!" and "One hug could change my entire world." I needed that from him- I needed him to show up for me. I was grounding my self-worth in him. I poured out questions that echoed through my soul: Why did it feel like he no longer loved me? Why wasn’t he protecting my body and heart like he once did? He gives so much to his children and his work, why not me? I was angry, confused, and deeply lonely. 

I had prayed never to feel this kind of emptiness again, but here it was, returning like a thief, stealing my joy, robbing my peace, and threatening to literally take my life. I grappled with wanting not really wanting to live, but not really wanting to die. I wanted to see my children grow and marry, but I didn't want to live through this pain anymore. Loneliness is a horrific pain that had once again seeped into my soul, and convinced me that I was unseen, unloved, and forgotten, even when I was surrounded by people. It isolated not just my heart, but all of my hope, making any joy feel foreign and impossible. 

Masterclass in Doing it Right. Semester Two.

Then, something happened. On Monday, I was listening to a podcast called Wow God Stories while doing the dishes. While listening, I had a matter-of-fact conversation with God and just said, "You know, God, I've been so lonely lately and am really hurting. I need you so much. I would love to feel you. I'd love my own Wow God moment." I shrugged my shoulders and just went on with my day. I found myself praying silently throughout that day and the next for my own "Wow God" moment. 

On Tuesday, I was driving on a rural highway to an appointment, trying to find a particular song on YouTube that God gave to me many years ago during an extremely difficult season of my life. Ironically, God only plays this song at specific times, typically when I am struggling most. The funniest part to this is (and I believe God has kept this from me on purpose, as His timing in playing the song is perfect), I don't even know the name of the song I was searching for! I only know the bridge which goes something like "and I love you..." I always refer to this song as God's love letter to me, and He plays it when I am at my lowest points. So, on Tuesday, I deemed this to be when I needed to hear the song. Well, since, again, I am slow to learn, and God's timing is perfect, he had another plan. 

As I was searching every "and I love you" bridge Christian song known to man, my spirit said turn on the radio. Since I'm a slow learner, I kept searching, and again the gentle nudge in my spirit, turn on the radio. This time I listened. The moment I turned the radio on, it wasn't the song I had been searching for, but it was one that was perfectly well aligned with exactly the circumstance of my heart and exactly what my spirit had been crying out for. THIS was my Wow God moment. The Holy Spirit said to me through this song: 

When your hopes and dreams are far from meAnd you're running out of faithYou see the future you pictured slowly fade awayAnd when the tears of pain and heartacheAre pouring down your faceYou'll find your peace in Jesus' name

In the eye of the storm You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)In the middle of the warYou guard my soulYou alone are the anchorWhen my sails are tornYour love surrounds meIn the eye of the storm 

In that moment, I felt the Holy Spirit more tangibly than I ever had before- I felt Him in my core. I wanted to hold onto that moment forever. I wanted everyone to know that feeling- to feel what I felt. I heard God whisper at that moment in time: I see you. I have not left you. You are not alone. You have never been alone. 


Right there, right then, I knew my joy was anchored in the wrong place. I looked back in my journal today at those pleas of desperation and think differently about them.  

"Do you see me? I'm here!" HE (Jesus) did see me.  HE was with me wherever I went!
I need to ground my self-worth in HIM (Jesus) because humans will continue to fail us. Jesus never will.

Now, back to reality, though. Nobody has ever accused me of being a fast learner, either in school or in life. I will continue to struggle with doubt. I will continue to struggle with self-worth and everything else that this world has to offer. But I will continue to ground myself in Jesus' grace, His word, and his promises of faithfulness. Jesus has said, "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God and I will strengthen you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

As for my husband and me, I will continue to pray for us, trusting in God’s perfect provision and timing. As a wife called by God, I have committed to praying constantly for my husband and walking faithfully next to him. I will love him deeply and respect him always, and pray that one day he will love me and care about me like he used to. But I will not beg for it anymore. 


Even though I love him, I am also trying to learn to love myself and trying to heal from my own depression and find mt own joy. With God’s strength and guidance, and through counseling, I believe our marriage can be restored. 



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