Better. Than. Me.

This morning while mowing the grass, my mind seemingly wandered in search for truth, answers and healing. Five years ago I began to question myself and ultimately conceded to the spirit of powerlessness. I had given up, given in, and fundamentally given away my lioness. My spirit had been crushed, taunted, and abused: My body was worn, fragile, and broken: My mind was in chaos and my life in shambles. Emotional abandonment by my spouse had taken its toll on me and threatened to destroy my children.


Nights spent curled in a heap on my bathroom floor became my norm, unabating tears became my solace. How often would I have to cry out to the LORD for vindication and release? The words of Psalm 61 became my anthem; “I’m calling out to you, my God. Can you hear me? I feel like I’m miles away from you! My heart is sore. Take me by the hand and lead me!” I begged God to change him (my husband). I pleaded….”God, please! I know you hate divorce, I know you want this family to survive but I can’t do it alone!” Still, God was silent.


My begging and pleading, my tears and cries did not cause God to change His plan. See, God is omnipotent. His ability to see beyond today is what makes Him God. I saw today. I saw what I needed at that moment. I saw what my children needed- at that moment. But God was so much bigger than that moment. He saw the future devastation that MY plan would have harvested. He saw it all. It took me YEARS to realize this. His plan was So. Much. Different. than mine. His plan, being fulfilled today, is allowing for scorching fire- but He stands with me. His plan is allowing incomprehensible suffering- but He is holding me. His plan is allowing for finite brokenness- but he is molding me. God’s grace is so much more than giving me my way. God’s grace gives me, gives my children, HIS will which is So. Much. Better. than mine!


Better is not a word I would have used until recently. How is it that God’s grace can come in the form of brokenness? How is it that our Father, who has more love for us that infinitely imaginable, can bring healing through pain? God’s faithfulness should have been brought to me (to us) in a beautiful moment of my husband begging for forgiveness on his knees, an obviously broken man. Right? Well, God’s answer to to my relentless prayers was nothing that I had imagined. (You know that old saying, “God works in mysterious ways?” Well, believe me- it’s true! But His ways are always perfect.)


In November, my husband left my children and me for 12 days. A married man with three children made the conscious choice to travel to Thailand to visit a woman with whom he had been carrying on an affair with (she was an American teacher there for 1 year). While he was gone, I prayed about what God wanted me to do. My spirit was restless and I knew God was saying “Enough.” I continued to pray and seek Godly counsel because I knew God hated divorce. God’s answer never changed. While my husband was gone, I filed for Divorce. I wanted desperately to hold on to my marriage. My husband had been my best friend, the love of my life for so long. Who was I apart from him?


When he got home from Thailand, things got worse and worse. He blamed me for filing and accused me of planning it for months. He continued to belittle and betray me and constantly made me feel confused and alone. His punishment for my stance was evident and cruel. Despite my constant prayers for reconciliation, God’s answer never changed. His final word and permanent answer was “No.”


On a cold Sunday in January, God’s hand was raised one final time. Because I held steadfast to my hopes and dreams, I had consciously neglected God’s omnipotence. On that day, God removed my husband from my children’s and my life. Not able to communicate or see us, my husband now faces a punishment much greater than I had ever imagined.


Left in complete and utter despair, my children and I had no place to look but up. For days I berated God by saying “How could you do this? How could you let him hurt my children and me so badly? I thought you loved us?” Despite my anger toward God he continued to provide immeasurably for us. He brought amazing men and women into our lives who helped us begin to pick up the damaged pieces that the Evil One sought to destroy. Again though, God said “No. You will not destroy my beloved. You will not trample on nor torture them any longer. With my mighty hand I will avenge them. I will protect them and keep them safe.”


The past few months have been littered with challenges, hurts, and tears. I’ve come to learn more about my ex-husband’s affair, how he has stolen from my children, my family, and me, and ultimately how his decisions have changed our lives forever. My kids and I still struggle with the lies, deception and abuse. But, God has made it clear that He will be a Father to the Fatherless and a constant help in times of trouble.


I have no doubt now, that God is faithful. I also have learned that God delivers on his promises- but not always in the way we want or wish. God’s grace is a beautiful and colorful place to live. His grace comforts and protects. His grace is sufficient. I know things aren’t going to be easy over the next few months or years for my children or me but I do know that God’s got this. He’s got this So. Much. Better. than me.